Jul. 2nd, 2017 07:53 pm
secretagentmoof: (Default)
This page about "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" has been making the rounds on Facebook; while I have yet to find much of anything elsewhere about what that page claims, boy howdy does that describe a lot of my behavior. When I was a little kid, sitting by myself and feeling somewhat upset, the sounds of other people laughing or clearly enjoying themselves often brought me to tears; this has not changed much over the years other than me being baffled by my own reactions (while still remaining super upset). My spergy difficulties with correctly gauging intended expression almost certainly exacerbate this, and probably add to the feelings of alienation I have much of the time.

All sorts of cheerful "What will I be missing in the SFBA after I'm gone?" packing thoughts, bah.

secretagentmoof: (Default)
I've bought my one-way tickets to Las Vegas (for DefCon) and Chicago (for after DefCon), so I'm pretty committed. Shipping the electronics - since Amtrak Express won't accept them - will be rather annoying. Not sure how much I should do the "live out of a suitcase" thing immediately or wait a week or two.

Still to do: figure out w/ my landlord who exactly is doing what; cancel DSL + electric/gas; change-of-address forms; notifying SF/CA that I'm moving out of state and so will no longer be eligible for the resident-of-SF health insurance (gulp).
secretagentmoof: (Default)
Ran into my pal/landlord in the hall, and told him that my sister was going to be visiting next week, and that I was likely to move out sometime July-ish. He was slightly surprised, but seemed OK with it, and was extremely sympathetic to the reasons I gave for going. We spent a while longer chatting and lamenting the state of what San Francisco has become, and he mentioned that because he actually owns the place he's somewhat locked-in to living here now - although he did mention moving elsewhere and renting the place out as a possibility.

He's one of the few friends I have left in SF. Pretty much everyone else has moved out, have faded into being acquaintances, or are people I've never been especially close to. The same goes for the Bay Area in general, I suppose; I have precious few roots remaining, and between my inabilities to leave the apartment (or get out of bed on a regular basis, har har), to engage with people without careful spoon-planning, or going somewhere that takes more than half an hour of transit... well, that's not making my interpersonal connections any healthier.

I feel like I should add more, but it seems like all I have to say is just the same old recapitulation.
secretagentmoof: (Default)
I've been cleaning up the house, preparing for my sister to come visit and do touristy things, and been contemplating my requiem for living in San Francisco.

Unlike many, I've never been in love with SF. Perhaps if I'd lived here twenty years ago, when there was a bustling art scene and people were less scared shitless to lose their rent-controlled housing, I would have. I've appreciated some of the people and art and institutions - but at best, I've been "in like" rather than "in love". Some of the tech jobs here are quite good - but between the state of the industry and the deep scars Google has left (and which I still feel acutely), I'm not as eager to go chasing unicorns as I once was.

I'm not sure what would have to be different - either for the city itself or me - for me to be in love with the place. When I think of the other cities I have fallen for (Chicago, Austin, Tokyo) the mood of contentment comes to mind - and I really, really doubt SF will ever be content with much of anything. With my current mental state and sense of place, I could really use some comfort and contentment right now. (I'd also like to know what I want to do when I grow up or in the next five years, whichever comes first.)

It seems extremely likely I'll move back to Chicago for a while, to keep an eye on my parents and them on me; with luck, I'll be able to get into grad school and finish something for a change. If not, well, I can attempt to recuperate. (And try not to freak out about being completely uninsurable under this administration, ho ho ho.) Moving to Austin and going to school there is an outside possibility I would welcome, but have extremely low expectations for.

secretagentmoof: (sweaterchick)
SpaceX called and said that they're passing on hiring me; the position has shifted and they want someone with more Windows experience and background (not that they interviewed me on that at all.) Guess it's back to plan B, "fill out applications for grad school". In retrospect, I'm not that surprised; the positions I've had (or applied for) that have had long delays in the process have indicated internal turmoil, a bad fit for me personally, or both. Still quite bummed about it, though.

I suppose while everything else is tumultuous I may as well designate DW my primary journal site now and only xpost to LJ. Not sure whether I want to bother importing my journal entries or mostly let them lay where they are. (Might update and repost my Japan travel ones here, though.)
secretagentmoof: (Default)
I am tempted to post one of the images cited on to see which, if any or all, would get removed from LiveJournal.
secretagentmoof: (Default)
Oh, S2 style customization, my old nemesis. Nothing like having to bust out the "take screenshot"+photo editing software to figure out which color produces what in (especially since some styles render a bit differently than others, yay.)
secretagentmoof: (Default)
LJ still isn't dead. I'm surprised.
secretagentmoof: (Default)
Now that Google Reader is going away, and LJ seems to be doing their damnedest to alienate all their English-speaking users, will DW see an upsurge of usage?
secretagentmoof: (Default)
If LJ goes tits up and becomes completely unusable, guess I'll be going here.


secretagentmoof: (Default)

July 2017



RSS Atom

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 23rd, 2017 08:50 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios